We all like a villain to hiss and a hero to cheer — don't we, Commoners? And Wandsworth Common has its very own villain. Indeed, a long line of them. And they're all called... Earl Spencer!
[Gilbert & Sullivan, Pirates of Penzance: "I am the very model..." here, here, or here.]
I am the very model of a wealthy English gentleman
I buy up land that really should by rights belong to ev'ryone
I sell it off for railways
and patriotic schools for girls
There's one law for the rest of you
and one law for the Spencer earls.
You must agree that Wandsworth cannot have too many gravel pits
And speculators will bring jobs and...
Lots of other benefits!
They'll build new villas, modern prisons, dead straight roads, a cemet'ry
And on what's left Lord Burlington
will drill the local infantry.
I am the very model of a nineteenth century landowner
I fence in land that should belong to ev'ry Wandsworth commoner
And when I am opposed in court by men like Mister Buckmaster
You can be sure that I will bring my very own solicitor
My fellows in the House of Lords will muddy ev'ry argument
We'll speechify until we win — that's why it's called a Parliament
We'll plead we're benefactors of the nation's orphaned boys and girls
There's one law for the rest of you
Another for the Spencer earls!
I am the very model of a property developer
Suburban villas are erected with the least expenditure
Round Wandsworth Common I squeeze in as many streets as possible
Where bank clerks and their wives reside with relatives innum'rable:
There's Bolingbroke and Mallinson and Honeywell and Nightingale...
And Ravenslea and Baskerville and Bennerley and Herondale...
And Wexford, Jaggard, Althorp, Wiseton, Bellevue, Sandgate, Trinity...
And Frewin, Loxley, Burcote, Routh...
It goes on to infinity!
There's Nicosia and Henderson and Collamore — and what a lark!
I know, I'll name one after me — I'm going to call it Spencer Park!
It will remind posterity that I've been good to orphaned girls
There's one law for the rest of you
Another for the Spencer earls!